I love my kids. Their tiny fingers and toes are so cute, and the way they talk and walk makes me want to cuddle with them all day. When they lay in bed with me, life doesn’t get any better than that when they fall asleep in my arms. At the same time, I can’t wait for them to be big enough to take their own showers, feed themselves, and fall asleep on their own in their bed.
Sounds familiar? Yes, motherhood is full of beautiful contradictions, even before I gave birth.
When I was pregnant, I didn’t like being pregnant because I was nauseous all the time, tired and could not sleep well. Not to mention the toll it took on my mental health. At the same time, I wanted the whole world to know that I was pregnant because I was having a baby girl!
When my daughters were born, I remember always wanting to stop pumping because it was so difficult to keep up with the pump schedule and work, but I powered through the whole year because I wanted my daughters to feed well (that, and formula is expensive!).
Motherhood has brought out the best in me, but also the worst in me. I will walk through fire and fight for my kids without hesitation, but at the same time, my kids have pushed my buttons and tested my patience more than anyone else. I consider myself an easy-going person, but I have lost my patience many times with my kids.
On most days, I crave for some alone time, but when I eventually get it, I am overwhelmed by a sense of guilt. No kids climbing over me, no 1,000,000 endless questions, but 5 minutes into my own quiet time, I start to wonder if my kids are ok or if they miss me.
Or on those days when I get some free time to myself, I am too tired to even enjoy it. However, I did write a separate post on how to pamper yourself without feeling much guilt though. Check it out here!
I am never alone anymore, but sometimes I feel a bit lonely when no one understands my struggles.
My eldest if 4 now, and when she asks me to carry her upstairs, all 40 pounds of her, part of me wants to say no, but I know these moments will not last. Before I know it, she will be a teenager and will probably want her own space and do things her way. I say yes to her request, and my heart would be bursting with joy as she wraps her lanky legs around me, but my body struggles to carry her because she is almost a third of my weight!
On weekends, I dread having to plan for family activities because I know my weekends will be spent doing kids stuff, but I still do it anyway because there will be a day when my daughters will be old enough to want to do their own thing instead of picking apples and berries at the farm with us.
I miss the freedom of my own life and having the ability to sleep long hours again, and that’s when I tell my husband that I do not want to have anymore kids, but I’m also heartbroken that there will be no more babies in the family.
I dislike clutter, and my kids don’t make things easy at home, but seeing my kids play and explore their toys warms my heart. I know that they are happy and are learning.
I want my kids to eat well, so I slave away in the kitchen, but when food is prepared, my daughters only want to eat plain bread and rice. It makes me wonder if it’s even worth trying. Motherhood is indeed so frustrating.
I give my all to everything I do, and that includes parenting my kids, but even if I give my everything, sometimes I wonder if I’m falling short.
They say that a mother’s instinct is always right, and I believe in myself, but on some days, I find myself carrying my toddler in one arm, while googling for answers with the other free hand.
When I’m doing mundane things like preparing lunch boxes, changing diapers or wiping up messes on the floor, I’m always questioning whether I’m doing anything important these days, but I know being a mother is the most important job in the world.
Some days, I feel like I haven’t achieved anything, but in reality, I have achieved everything for my kids.
I’ve never looked forward to the future so much before, but I also never looked back and regret anything that I’ve done so far as a mother.
Motherhood is filled with messiness and unpredictability, but there is also an overabundance of love and beauty. Motherhood is filled with contradictions.
The mess of feelings that comes with motherhood don’t always make sense. I can be filled with pride and love one minute, and then sudden anger within the next few minutes. These contradictions can’t always be reconciled, but I don’t think they make me a bad mother. It just means I’m a human being!
Social media often portray motherhood to be beautiful, perfect and selfless, but a good mother is not always these things all the time.
Motherhood continues to be the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. It has brought out the highest of the high, and the lowest of the low, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.
How about you, mamas? What are some of the contradictions in your daily lives?